Crack Wednesdays
by this be a dead account
Summary: Seven days. Two random numbers. One random pairing. Crack Wednesdays! Updated weekly, Akatsuki pairings only. Ratings, genres, universes and characters all vary depending on my mood that week.
1. Kisses

My friend, Pizzazz, and I decided that every Wednesday in English class, she will pick two random numbers, and I will write a romance story about those two. In that order. She picked 8 and 2. Pein and Tobi. :D These lists change order every week, so they're totally unpredictable. These can all change genres and everything. They might be humor or angst. Different ratings, too. So please enjoy this first installment of Crack Wednesdays: this week featuring PeinTobi!

**Title: **Kisses

**Pairing: **PeinTobi

**Genre: **Humor/Romance

**Rating: **T for language

**Summary: **Tobi's being annoying, and his victim of the day is Pein.

**Credits: **Nooooo

* * *

**Crack Wednesdays 1  
**

**Kisses**

"Pein-chan," came the annoying warble of a certain orange-masked criminal. The office door swung open to reveal the owner of the voice, standing there in all his glory.

The ginger-haired man exhaustedly placed his forehead into his palm. "Madara, how the hell am I supposed to carry out your orders if you insist on visiting me every hour?"

The Uchiha propped the mask higher onto his face. "Oh, don't stress about it, Pein-chan," he giggled, taking a seat on the battered desk and swinging his legs to and fro as if he were a flirting schoolgirl.

Pein sighed impatiently, rubbing his sore eyes. "Madara-san. Tobi. Whatever the hell you are today. This is an organization full of blood lusty criminals we're running, not a playground." He reached for a sheaf of scrolls Kakuzu had just brought in, which were serving as the true leader's seat cushion. "Ugh." He took one end of the largest scroll, experimentally tugging. He was rewarded by a muffled tearing sound. "Fuck. On a stick." He swore, glaring at Tobi's rear in frustration. "Tobi!" He barked, startling the tall man.

"Eep! Gomen, Pein-chan!" The childish character squeaked, hopping off the pile of scrolls. The pierced man rolled his gray eyes, choosing to stay silent. He gathered the partly smashed scrolls in his long arms, protectively hugging them to his chest. He winced as the orange mask suddenly leaned close to his.

"Pein-chan," he sang again, the crimson eye mercifully closed beneath the mask.

"Don't call me that," the ginger man growled, massaging his temples. "What do you want, Madara-san?"

"Tobi is Tobi today," the clueless fool corrected cheerfully. "And Tobi wants Pein-chan to talk with him! Tobi's bored! Deidara-sempai won't way any attention to Tobi, and neither will Sasori-sensei, Hidan-san, Kakuzu-sensei, Itachi-san, Kisame-sensei, Konan-san, even Zetsu-sempai!"

The head of Akatsuki stifled a groan. "Wonder why." He growled under his breath. "And why am I the only –chan?" He demanded sourly, glaring accusingly up at his technical superior.

"Because Pein-chan is the cutest, Pein-chan!" Tobi squealed, clapping his palms together in a sign of adoration. The questionable criminal let out a yelp of surprise as he was suddenly smashed against the desk surface, collar wrapped tightly in the Rin'negan holder's fist.

"Tobi. I'll have you understand something. I. Am. Not. _Cute._" He roughly released the boy, scowling through studded lips as the oddity flailed his arms desperately, only to belly-flop uselessly on the table.

Eagerly, the boy propped himself up on his elbows, chin cradled in his gloved hands. "Pein-chan, were you trying to kiss Tobi?" He cooed in a voice that sounded as if he were attempting seduction.

The ringed eyes returned to his paperwork, a hand reaching out to shove Tobi in the face. "No. Go give Hidan a flower."

"But- but- he'll sacrifice it to Jashin!" The boy whimpered piteously, the tears almost evident in his high voice.

"I don't know; just go piss someone else off, will you?"

Tobi ignored this and pressed his face closer to Pein's, returning to the former conversation. "But Pein-chan, _were_ you trying to kiss Tobi?"

"No!" The man roared in frustration, flinging his hands up agitatedly.

The mask radiated some form of dismay, before the owner suddenly flung himself over the desktop and latched onto the leader. "Hug Tobi then!" He cried in a loud whine.

Pein felt his own eyebrow quirk in deep annoyance. "Tobi. What the hell is with you today?" He didn't even bother to complain when his hand was taken by the childish one and rubbed against the mask.

"Tobi craves physical attention." He explained happily, the unseen smile almost infectious. The other man groaned, pleading for an explanation of how this could possibly be his superior, schizophrenic or not. It simply didn't calculate.

In a wild attempt, he shouted out, "Konan! C'mere right now!"

In a flurry of paper, his teammate appeared, her painted lids half closed in boredom.

"Go get Hidan. Tell him it's urgent."

The blue-haired girl rolled her eyes to the angry shout of "I saw that!" and disappeared. In her absence, Pein returned his gaze to the current problem, which was still happily nuzzling his hand against his face. Suddenly, a low rumbling noise filled the air, and Pein's gray eyes widened in surprise. "What the hell—Tobi, oh Kami, you're not…" His frown grew when it was confirmed by the vibrations in his captive hand, that indeed, Tobi was purring.

"Stop that!" He snarled, wrenching his appendage back. "Konan!" He screamed louder, his patience well tried. The woman reappeared in another gust of paper. Pein took one glance at her flushed face, and suddenly decided that he'd be leaving Hidan alone.

"How about Deidara?" He asked, throat dry. His Angel shook her head in the same manner. "Just leave then, you useless bag of paper!" he growled in fury at his teammate. She shot him a dirty look before dissipating again, leaving him with a pounding headache and sore arm. From which Tobi was now tugging roughly.

"Pein-chan, Pein-chan, Pein-chan," he cooed, looking straight into Pein's orbs. To the ginger-haired man's horror, he made the lethal mistake of staring back into the slightly taller man's eyes. He froze in shock, trapped in the crimson irises.

'Stop looking! You idiot, you have the Rin'negan! You could fuck him over any day!'

"Pein-chan?" He asked again. The sound startled the man, who blinked. He hadn't passed out. So that meant that both he and Tobi were alive, then. He clenched his teeth, extremely frustrated with himself for falling so carelessly into the Uchiha's eyes.

"Goddammit, you flying piece of orange shit!" He cried, slapping Tobi across the face in blind anger.

A loud whimper could be heard through the suddenly silent chamber. "Pein-chan," the boy cried, sobs wracking his voice. "Pein-chan hates Tobi!" Despite these bawls, the orange-masked oddity threw himself into the guilty ginger-haired man's arms. "Pein-chan, Pein-chan, oh Pein-chan!"

The Akatsuki suppressed a groan, no longer regretting slapping Tobi. However, he lifted his arms and wearily draped them around the hysterical boy. "You… ugh, you…! Why do I put up with this?"

He rolled his eyes at the abruptly calm response, full of sugary innocence. "Because Pein-chan loves Tobi!"

"Right. Yeah. Believe what you will, Tobi."

"…So did Pein-chan want to kiss Tobi?"

"NO!"


	2. The Nervous Game

Last week, we actually cheated. We picked two numbers at first, but they were ItaSaso. Laur thought that was too cannon, so she picked again, and the pairing is... BOMBERxPSYCHOPATHICSHARK!! If that's not crack, I dunno what is. 8D But we've decided NO MORE CHEATING. Even if we get something painfully cannon, like PeinKonan. We must write on!! But for the hell of being reasonable, ItaSaso appears as a side-pairing.  
And we kinda sorta messed up next week's, too. I said "OMG (insertnameofcrackpairing)" and she was like "HOLY SHIT DUDE THAT'S FUCKING AMAZING" and then I figured out that I told her the wrong name. DX So for next week, there's another side pairing. D: I'mma try to be more careful!!

**Title: **The Nervous Game

**Pairing: **DeiKisa

**Genre:** General

**Rating: **A high T for mature discussions.

**Summary:** When their partners are out, Deidara forces Kisame to play a special game with him.

**Credits: **You know that game where two people put their hands on each other's legs and move it higher and try to scare the other person into backing out? Yeah, I totally came up with that, and Naruto. No wonder they're both so amazing. (?!)

* * *

**Crack Wednesdays 2**

**The Nervous Game  
**

"This is the stupidest game in the world," Kisame complained, his eye fidgeting.

"Nah, you're just nervous." Deidara taunted, sliding his hand further up Kisame's thigh. He smirked, feeling the leg tense under his touch. "Kami, you're such a prude, Sharky. Are you still a virgin?"

The blue one's face darkened in embarrassment. "What, are you?"

The shorter boy laughed at this, sweeping a strand of hair back. "Hell no, un. I've fucked many, many people."

"Whore," Kisame snapped back, gingerly moving his hand the smallest fraction up Deidara's thigh.

The blonde looked at the hand in disbelief, his bright blue eye wide in incredulity. "What the hell was that, un?" He asked, a smirk playing over his lips. Ignoring the flush staining his friend's cheeks, he moved the larger palm higher on his own leg. "Are you nervous?" He taunted, a devilish smirk on his face.

Shamelessly, the blonde repeated the question, scooting his long fingers higher on Kisame's leg. The muscles only tensed more. Clearly, Kisame was nervous, but his pride was far too great for him to back down now.

"Seriously, this is the most idiotic game ever," the Kiri-nin protested, making to stand up.

"Oh, shut up, un," Deidara countered laughingly. "Sasori no Danna and Ita-bastard are out on their mission. There's nothing to do while they're gone, un. Especially since they're most likely going to be out the whole day."

"Out screwing each other," Kisame corrected under his breath, trying not to look at the tan hand so casually placed on his higher thigh.

"Exactly," the blonde smirked, obviously relishing the idea of his superior being fucked by an Uchiha. "So when they get back, we gotta have some story for them."

The Kiri-nin blanched in horror. "Oh Kami, no, Deidara—"

"_Are you nervous?_" The sculptor hissed, his hand now well next to the shark-nin's crotch.

The sword-wielder shifted uncomfortably, perspiration beginning to bead on his neck. Yes, hell yes, he was nervous. But he swallowed, not wanting to be beaten by a blonde whore. He stared challengingly into the azure iris, pushing his sweating palm far on Deidara's leg. Instantly, his eyes widened in horror. His fingers were perfectly positioned above the blonde's dick. He'd moved too much.

Uncaring though, the terrorist leaned towards his friend with a leer of satisfaction. "Someone's getting a little antsy, un..?" Pointedly, he looked down at Kisame's pants, which were suddenly not as loose as they should've been.

The blue-skinned man stood up, denial on his face. "Deidara, this has gone too far." He slapped the blonde's hand off his thigh, and ran his fingers through his short hair. "I'm going to go take a cold shower." He grunted, walking away.

"Aw, Kisa, you spoilsport!" The bomber laughed, pure humor in his voice. "Watching the other guy get horny is half the fun!" When the defiant man continued to ignore him, he opted for blackmail. "Look Sharky, you keep playing, un, and I won't tell Danna and Weasel that you got an erection."

The taller man froze, horror crossing his face. He slowly turned around, hate drawn on his expression. "You are an evil, evil little brat." He growled, despair in his tone. Grudgingly, he sat back down, and winced as the tan hand reclaimed its place on his hip.

"Where's your hand?" Deidara asked cheerily, patting his own pelvis.

Kisame groaned in misery, randomly placing his hand just above the blonde's knee.

"Cheater, un," the shorter man scolded, sliding the other's hand back to where it was. "Play by the rules, Sharky. And it's your turn."

The Kiri warrior flushed again, and decided to get over the rest of the difficulties. His hand quickly swept over Deidara's groin and onto the blonde's stomach. He silently exhaled, simply relieved that he'd passed the most awkward part.

The bomber pouted, obviously having hoped for a more eventful passing, but didn't complain. His own hand moved much slower over Kisame's dick, the most sadistic grin on his curled lips.

"Now what?" The shark-nin asked in a ragged breath.

"Keep going, un." The blonde informed him. "There are other intimate parts on a man's body, dipshit."

Deidara was right. Kisame found his hand on the blonde's chest another uncomfortable place. It would've been alright with any other man, but the large mouth on the terrorist's torso was free enough from its bonds to chomp lightly on his fingertips through the fabric of the blonde's shirt, and the damn extra orifice was doing nothing to help his little problem down below.

"Are you nervous?" The sculptor asked again, eyeing Kisame's crotch again suspiciously.

"Goddammit whore, stop staring at my dick!" The taller man yelped in distress.

"Right, right, gomen, Kisa." Deidara chuckled, moving his hand to snake onto his friend's shoulder. "Just playin' the game here."

The blue man muttered some oaths scathingly under his breath, shifting his hand higher as well.

Just then, the dim sound of voices could be heard, drifting down the hallways softly.

The shark-nin froze again, his heart racing in panic. "Deidara- they're back." He hissed, terrified.

The blonde grinned, nodding. "I know, un." But he continued moving his hand, until it was cradling the curve of Kisame's shoulder.

There was the creak of the doorknob moving, and all too soon, Itachi was backing Sasori into the puppeteer and bomber's room, their lips locked in a violent kiss. Luckily, they were both unaware of the activity going on at Deidara's side of the room.

After staring at his partner for a moment, the blonde turned to the blue-haired ninja, a wide grin on his lips.

"Deidara?" Kisame asked warily. He yelped in shock as the terrorist suddenly launched himself forward, using the hand on the shoulder to pull the taller toward himself. Surprise saturated the room as Deidara captured the warrior's lips with his own.

The kiss seemed to last much longer than the three seconds it'd been, and when Kisame yanked himself free, a thick blush was coating his cheeks, and he stared in mortification at Itachi and Sasori, who were watching in amusement.

His embarrassment grew as Deidara's hands found his upper thighs again, and the blonde's face covered his vision. The cerulean eye seemed to smirk at him in triumph.

"Rematch, un?"


	3. Smog

**A/N: **ARE. YOU. FUCKING. KIDDING ME. This is the third time I'm rewriting this goddamned AN. Okay. Next chap. Extremely crack. Not in the mood to rewrite four fucking paragraphs now. Sorry. It's less than twenty minutes til Crack Thursdays, and I've got to get an L cosplay ready for tomorrow. Okay. Not going to kill small children. Right. So sorry for the rooftop obsession. It's induced by AFI's _Kiss and Control. _Damn you, Pizzazz. D: Damn you. 3

**Title: **Smog

**Pairing: **ItaKonan, with some former ItaHida

**Genre: **Romance/Drama

**Rating: **A semi-high T for mentions of porn, but that's old news, amirite?

**Summary: **Romances are best under a star-dappled night. But they can occur under a night in which the stars are blotted out by smog, too.

**Credits: **All I own is a temper I'm going to use to smash the hell out of my computer now. :)

* * *

**Crack Wednesdays 3**

**Smog  
**

"Itachi, baby!"

The pounding of feet trailed after the dark-haired agent, the loud, pleading shouts consistent in the city alleys. The black-clad man turned, an exasperated expression on his face. "Hidan. I will never love you. Give it up, will you?"

The chasing albino kept on running, smacking into Itachi. "Sweetheart!" He begged, gripping the thin shoulders desperately. "_I_ love you!"

Itachi rolled his crimson eyes, smacking the offending hands away. "Could you try and understand? I'm a government agent. You are… you are God-knows-what."

"_Jashin_ knows what," the zealot corrected unashamedly.

"That just proves my point," the Uchiha snapped, glaring at his stalker. "Look, Hidan- it was a one-night-stand—"

"Then we started dating! _For a year!_"

Itachi clenched his teeth, trying to calm his nerves. "You're a drug dealer. I'm supposed to be head-locking you and stuffing you into prison. Be grateful I haven't stunned you yet."

When Hidan fell before his knees, the agent groaned in agony. "I'm not going to take you back. This relationship's lasted 365 days too long."

But the albino persisted, staring dolefully up at his former lover's stern face. "What'll I do if you leave, 'Tachi?" He whimpered. "You know I can't take care of myself, I'd blow the fuckin' stove up if I tried to fry eggs like you do."

"That's what McDonalds is for," Itachi growled, walking off again.

"_Ita_!"

Well incensed now, the agent spun on his heel, throwing his arms up into the air. "Hidan! For the love of God, Jashin—whatever—I never _wanted_ to date you! I was under orders to see if you were a threat to society, and apparently not, since all you do is smoke and watch porn videos!"

At the final confession, there was a long silence. Hidan's mouth fell agape, and he spluttered in horror. "H—how could you? You fucking_ lied _to me."

"Business, sweetheart." Itachi tossed a cold grin behind him, then casually continued his walk through the streets, the last wails of Hidan's heartbreak ringing in his ears.

The man smirked to himself, shoving his hands deep into his pockets. The albino had been a decent boyfriend, he'd admit that. But no way in hell was he staying with him any longer. Hidan had been hinting for a while now, that they needed to seal their relationship, and in the obvious way. There was no doubt that he was simply crawling with all sorts of fun STDs.

Shaking off any smoky remnants of the albino that clung to him, the Uchiha crossed an alleyway, lifting an eyebrow at the thugs that lurked between the brick walls, chugging on their cigarettes and leering at him. "Hey, beautiful," one dared to holler after him.

Itachi rolled his eyes, ignoring them. Everybody was after his ass today, it seemed. He picked up his speed, not in the mood for a brawl. He wound through the neon-lit streets, reveling in the urban sprawl. Soon enough, he'd be abroad on another mission, and he wanted to relax in this moment when he could freely speak Japanese.

He stopped in front of a seemingly plain skyscraper, entering the lobby. Nodding at the clerk who was perched at the front desk, he approached the elevator shaft, pressing the up button.

The contraption arrived with a loud whirring sound, and as soon as he stepped inside and the metal doors slid sleekly shut behind him, he leaned against he opposite wall wearily. Checking his wristwatch, he found that there was still a good hour before his mission debriefing, and he decided to soak in the urban lights one last time.

The bell pinged as he made it to the twelfth floor. Walking out, Itachi turned immediately to the staircase, which was, annoyingly enough, the huge ascent required to get to the rooftop.

With his lithe, muscular form, he swiftly reached the roof door. Once he shoved the metal barricade open, he had to pause a moment to adjust to the height dizziness. Blinking, he stepped out onto the roof, eyes flickering appreciatively to the thick blanket of smog hanging low in the sky, which blotted out the flirtatious stars: too bright and cheery for his liking. It wasn't the Eighth Wonder, but it was the core of Japan, and of his existence.

Just then, a snide inquiry alerted him from the other side of the rooftop. "Where'd you come from?"

Itachi didn't bother with turning, figuring that it was just someone else wanting to harass him. "I'm Japanese. I live here."

The voice, belonging to a woman, shot back testily. "I didn't ask you _that_, genius. Where was your last mission?"

The raven agent tisked, looking behind him to see who provoked him so. It was a blue-haired woman, an intricate origami flower perched on her head. She was clad in the regulated black- a sleek jacket and matching pants, dark boots on her small feet. She was the typical female agent- sharp, acute, and even more hostile than the average woman. The only thing that set her apart from this stereotype was her face.

She had various piercings over her visage- a stern taboo for agents when on a mission- and her eyes were painted with a dark blue eye shadow. It was these lids, heavily closed over her irises, which stood out to Itachi. Her entire aura was a confusing mix of edgy attentiveness, and lazy apathy.

This displeased the Uchiha. He liked organization- one or the other. "Who're you?" He interrogated back, wanting to know more about this 'mix-attitude' woman.

The woman snarled. "You never answered me. You're a general sort of man, aren't you? Ignoring me 'cause I'm a _girl_. Misogynistic bastard."

Itachi's brow lifted at the mutterings. Obviously she was an extreme feminist. "My last mission was in Madrid. God, woman, calm down. I'm Uchiha Itachi. Does that help?"

The bluenette's expression softened. "Sorry. I just came from India. Some sexist assholes kept on thinking I was too exposed. I'm Konan."

"Hm." The man grunted, accepting this. He watched her steadily as she walked over to him, her arms crossed over her flat stomach. The raven blinked at her, eyes suddenly pulled to her full chest.

"Oi," she snarled, noticing where his eyes were suddenly placed. She protectively lifted her arms to cover her upper body, scowling darkly at him. "Pervert."

The male flushed, tearing his orbs far away. "Shit. I thought I was gay. I'm sorry."

"Apparently not," Konan hissed, her dark eyes glaring accusingly at the other agent. "What made you think you gay?"

"I had a boyfriend, but he wanted me to have sex with him, so I dumped him and told him that I was only using him for my job." He admitted, peering over the edge of the skyscraper and staring peacefully at the cars below.

"Ouch," the woman sympathized. "Maybe you're bi."

"Maybe," Itachi agreed, flitting his red eyes back to her.

Konan slid herself next to him, apparently forgiving him for looking at her wrong. "I had a boyfriend too. But he couldn't really understand that I wasn't ready for sex or the responsibility I'd have if he knocked me up."

"What happened?" Itachi asked, his eyes magnetized to hers.

"I broke up with him, what else?" She huffed, returning the gaze evenly. "Sex is overrated." She complained, dropping her chin into her hand.

The Uchiha only blinked in sullen agreement. "Some people are just addicted to it," he concluded, his lips pursed in distaste as he remembered Hidan and his stupid porn videos. _'Guy Getting Fucked By Three Other Guys'._ That was one of the albino's favourites.

Konan heaved a sigh, scooting to dangle her legs off the side of the skyscraper. "I'm not ready to date, I guess."

Itachi gave a generic 'H'n' in understanding. They reveled in the soothing drift of taxi honks, pounding bar music and general city life, before the man dared a glance at an animated Alcopop advertisement. The digital clock at the corner declared that he was due for his meeting in ten minutes. "I should go," he muttered, breaking the silence. "Debriefing." He was reluctant to leave this intriguing woman, but duty beckoned.

But he was stopped by a hand on his. "Hey… Itachi… Uchiha, yeah?"

He nodded back at the half-lidded eyes in confirmation.

Konan blinked. "You're the bastard going to America with me. I'm your partner, so I can review the mission with you."

Itachi frowned, hesitant. "I should go talk with the organizer, just in case… Are you sure?"

"No, of course not," the woman snapped, "but now you are. It's okay. Come to America with me."

The Uchiha murmured in dislike. He didn't want to risk disgruntling the government. "It's not on my orders."

"It's okay," she repeated, "I've got connections. I can pull strings." And her smile, so lazy, and her eyes, so beautifully persuasive, won him over like nothing else.


	4. Sex Pollen

**A/N:** Oh goodness, this is the crackest shit ever. XD ZeKaku, folks. Yes. Kakuzu on the BOTTOM. A sin in itself. XD So, talk time?  
Obama's the prez of America now! I accept all opinions, I'm just going to tell you that right now, so McCain supporters, I respect you. But Pizzazz and I had a friend. Yeah, she hates me because I'm bi and a Democrat. So I feel like my life is kinda sorta crumbling at the edges, but I know I can do better than her. I have you people and my other friends who don't care about my sexuality. :3 I love you all. Seriously. Thanks for giving me a reason!!

**Title: **Sex Pollen

**Pairing: **ZeKaku. Oh my JASHIN.

**Genre: **Humor/Horror

**Rating: **M

**Summary: **In which Zetsu has a special pollen he likes to use on other men, and Kakuzu is an uke.

**Credits: **I have an ex-friend who hates my gay guts. :D But let's forget about her!! ^^

* * *

**Crack Wednesdays 4**

**Sex Pollen  
**

"Kakuzu!" Hissed two voices in unison from behind the door.

"What?" The tan man snapped at Zetsu in annoyance, stopping mid-stride.

"C'mere, Kuzu," the plant-man crooned from under the folds of his Venus Fly Trap leaves.

"Zetsu, I'm busy. That motherfucker of a Jashinist got captured by Ame's ANBU… again."

"Oh, he can wait. He's immortal, anyhow." Purred Black Zetsu, both halves smiling pleadingly.

Kakuzu rolled his eyes, exhaling heavily. "Fine. But this had better be well worth it. Time—"

"Is money, yadda yadda, we've all heard it before," droned Black Zetsu, pulling his fellow Akatsuki into his bedroom.

The dark-haired killer huffed, leaning against the wall in boredom. "So, whatcha got for me?" What he didn't expect was for Zetsu to suddenly back him up further against the wall, their faces a mere two inches apart.

"Mm, Kuzu, you know, I've loved you from the minute I joined Akatsuki."

A disgusted sneer crossed Kakuzu's lips. "Eh. No thanks."

"Oh Kami, Kuzu, you look so sexy when you sneer," Zetsu breathed, his face becoming contorted with something like pain.

"Please, don't make any moves on me. I killed my last—what's wrong with you?" The stitched-nin asked, noticing the increasingly agonized expression.

"Ungh, I'm pollinating—"

A thin, dark brow lifted in amusement. "Is that your form of an erection or something?"

"This isn't—any normal—pollination… Kuzu..!" Abruptly, Zetsu hiccupped, and a shower of shimmering, gold dust flew into the air from his crown of leaves, drifting down onto Kakuzu slowly.

"'the fuck is this?" The taller ninja shouted, coughing as the honey-sweet scent invaded his nostrils. "And did you have to do it on me?"

"It's a _magical solution_, Kuzu!" Zetsu moaned erotically, watching in delight as the gold sank into the creamy-chocolate skin. Indeed, the 'magic' was doing its work.

"What is this shit, nyaa?" Kakuzu asked, a horrified look on his face appearing as he involuntarily added the last sound. He clapped his hands over his mouth, blushing furiously, a feat he'd never done before.

"It's an Uke Powder," Zetsu informed him cheerily. "Not only does it make you gay, but also a stereotypical uke!"

"What—mmph, nyaa?" The once-intimidating murderer swallowed, finding it impossible to navigate around the 'nyaa'.

"Now we can have sex, and you're so Uke'd, you won't be able to resist!" White Zetsu enthused, utter delight in his eye.

"Wait, Zetsu, nyaa! Where the fuck did you get this shit, nyaa?" Kakuzu briefly closed his eyes, mortified by how disgustingly _uke_ he was.

"It's special pollen we generate monthly. We're generally supposed to use it on females, but seeing as Konan's the only girl and wouldn't like me impregnating her with cannibal babies, I can't reproduce. But it makes some great sex." Black Zetsu winked suggestively.

Kakuzu's emerald eye widened in horror. "You're fucking _joking, _aren't you, nyaa?" He was rudely ignored, as Zetsu took his arm and led him to the bed. The stitched-nin was screaming inside. His feet were no longer listening to his head, turned slave to the pollen. "What other poor souls have you raped, nyaa?" He yelped in misery as he was successfully laid down on the bed.

A dreamy smile placed itself on Zetsu's face. "Ah, damn. Everyone but you and Konan."

An alarmed look dominated Kakuzu's (admittedly adorable) face. "You're not serious. Nyaa." He winced as the damned 'nyaa' escaped his mouth persistently. Now he understood Deidara's distress when people made fun of his speech impediment.

Zetsu nodded eagerly, a happy glint in both his eyes. "I'll admit, you're the last because you're the scariest. And Pein and Sasori. Shit, they fought the pollen pretty well, but I got 'em in the end. _So_ worth it."

Kakuzu didn't like this. If the great Akasuna no Sasori and the fearsome, almighty God of the Rin'negan could both be defeated by some creepy-ass pollen, he was fucked. Literally. But not without his own fight.

"I can't believe this, nyaa," he snarled, hissing as Zetsu placed his hands over his suddenly weak arms, pinning him down to the bed.

"Neither can I," the plant-man chortled, a disturbingly happy look on his face. "It seems the more difficult the prey, the better the sex. And you're the toughest yet, just like I predicted. Ooh, I can't wait to get started."

"How'm I the most difficult, nyaa?" Kakuzu asked in a panicked voice. _There was hope!_

"Usually, the pollen makes them the epitome of Ukes. You know, blushing, crying, totally submissive. But it seems you've actually managed to retain your jackass personality."

The tanned man felt his eye twitch at the image of the arrogant, proud Sasori, blushing and crying. And- heaven forbid- Pein _on the bottom._

"But please—enough chit-chat, love." Zetsu smiled, slipping his pants down, revealing, horror-of-horrors, a multicolored dick. No way in hell was that monstrosity getting inside Kakuzu.

He tried to lift his arms up and throw Zetsu off, but now that he knew what was going on, realized that they were weak and frail. Just like an _uke's._ He unsheathed his sharp threads from within the breaks in his useless limbs, but the tendrils simply wound lovingly around the rapist's body, tender and caressing. Yeah, this wasn't going too well.

Then, Zetsu leaned down to kiss Kakuzu's neck sweetly, moving down as he quickly discarded the stitched-nin's black tank top. The belittled man felt his insides shrivel up as a hot blush covered his unwilling body. He hadn't blushed since… Oh Kami, that had to be at least eighty years ago.

He watched in dread fascination as Zetsu slowly, ceremoniously pulled his pants down, revealing both their naked bodies in all their colourful glory. Well. This was a jacked pre-sex moment.

"Wait," Kakuzu gasped in desperation, needy for anything to delay Zetsu's rape-fest. "You don't want to have sex with me."

"Whyever not, dearest?" The plant-man questioned, not too perturbed by this denial.

"I'm crawling with STDs!" Kakuzu lied, listing the top ones he could think of. "Gonorrhea, Syphilis, Chlamydia, I think I might even be HIV positive."

"Oh, you're so sweet," White Zetsu giggled, touching a bleached finger to Kakuzu's dark lips. "But not to worry. I have immunities against all sorts of illnesses. It comes with the Easy Sex Pollen deal."

"Damn," Kakuzu muttered. Then, blinking, he cleared his throat. "Damn. Damn..? Uh… Damn."

Zetsu cocked his black eyebrow in curiosity. "Kuzu?"

"My 'nyaa's are gone!" He exclaimed in joy. It had been fast for them to come and go, but he definitely was not complaining.

A fearful look flitted over Zetsu's eyes. "Crap." With the urgency of someone at gunpoint, he prepared two fingers to insert into Kakuzu. "Time's almost—"

"Oh, fuck no, you don't." The tanned ninja growled, grabbing the offending hand. His strength returning, he experimentally flicked out a few more threads, which this time, were actually able to slice Zetsu's skin. "Ha!" He jeered, light-headed from his close scrape with involuntary sex.

Leaving the bleeding plant, he jumped up from the bed, yanking his clothes back on. As he shook off the last remaining dredges of Sex Pollen, he stopped at the doorway, and on his last Uke impulse, shook a finger at Zetsu, as if chiding him. "Naughty, naughty, nyaa." He scolded, and then made his way far from the defeated Zetsu, flipping a leg flirtatiously.

He'd passed the ultimate test- wriggling out of a dirty situation while under the influence of a magical powder. He kicked _so_ much ass.

And, oh, how Zetsu _wished _he could ever get some of it.


	5. Microorgasmic

**A/N: **I'm really not proud of this one. At all. I did it during test week, so it sucks major ass, but that's no excuse. Anyhoo, there's some terminology in here for you people who don't have biology. (I swear, my bio teacher killed my brain.) Amoeba- a blobby organism that eats by putting its prey inside of itself. Pseudopods- tendril-like structures that come out of the amoeba, temporary limbs. Zooplankton- organisms that amoeba eat. Marine snow- dead stuff that ameobas eat. Food vacuole- the things inside amoebas that digest their food.  
This world is seriously crack AU. It's like... the amoeba and zooplankton and other pond critters are half-human, so they still have their faces. It's just that their bodies are no longer humanoid, but blobbulous and tiny? Crack Wednesday, anyone?

**Title: **Microorgasmic

**Pairing: **KonanPein

**Genre: **Crackcrackcrack. Nothing else.

**Rating: **A low M for... uh... amoeba X zooplankton sex.

**Summary: **Konan didn't want dinner. She wanted some action.

**Credits: **I WISH I could say I didn't own this story but do own the characters. Why do I bring sex into every story? -shot-

* * *

**Crack Wednesdays 5**

**Microorgasmic  
**

The pond water rushed in his ears, swarming every fiber of his microscopic existence. "Oh god, oh god," Pein panted, looking behind him in terror. The large amoeba was catching up fast, her blue tendrils extending toward him.

"Swim, Pein, swim!" cried his blonde friend Deidara, as he passed. The ginger zooplankton gasped as a sticky psuedopod leeched onto his body, reeling him in helplessly.

"Deidara!" He shouted in fear, looking around him wildly for the smaller zooplankton. But the other was wisely gone, not wanting to be this amoeba's next meal.

"Pein?" His predator cooed, her dark eyes staring into his ringed ones. "What a cute name. Mine's Konan."

"Let—please let me go!" He begged, struggling in her sticky grip. The thin pseudopods were wrapped around his midsection, and they curled tighter as she prepared to consume him.

"It's a microorganism-eat-microorganism world, Pein," she sighed dramatically.

"No, it doesn't have to be!" He protested desperately. "You can eat marine snow!" He knew he'd made a mistake once her face scrunched up in disgust.

"What do you take me for, a lazy-ass amoeba? I love the thrill of the chase," she breathed, bringing her beautiful face closer to his.

Pein quivered in terror, his struggling form slowing down its writhing as he tried to put on a brave face. Was she going to eat him through her mouth? They usually engulfed their prey, letting their sinister innards do the digestion.

The traumatized zooplankton felt his head spin in dizzying circles as he faced the notion that he would soon be dissolved into mere nutrients. Then, something unexpected happened. Their lips pressed together, then she pulled away. That was it.

As Konan let Pein go, he blinked in shock. "Wha—what was that?" He whimpered, flexing his bruised pseudopods.

The blue-haired amoeba shrugged. "I saw two full-humans doing it on the shore of the pond, and it looked fun."

Pein's ringed eyes widened in excitement. Unable to see anything that large on the surface of the real world, he lived for their stories. "And then… then what?" He asked breathlessly as he forgot the danger Konan posed to him.

The blue amoeba smiled, obviously happy to reminisce. "Want me to demonstrate with you?"

Pein nodded furiously, eager and excited.

"Well, first…" She mused, pondering, "they were embracing one another, kinda like—is it okay if I..?"

The ginger microorganism nodded absently, not thinking about the food chain, but rather the beautiful world above that he could've been born into.

Shrugging, but taking this as permission, the predator snaked another psuedopod around his waist. "They did that mouth thing a couple of more times—"

Feeling human, Pein allowed Konan to bring them into several more of the 'mouth-things'.

"Then…" Konan expertly moved onto her back, bringing Pein on top of her swimming form. "More mouth-things—"

Pein mouth-thinged her twice more, oblivious to the dazed grin on the amoeba's curved lips.

"Pein…" She whispered throatily, mimicking the human-female she'd witnessed in perfect acting. "I want you inside of me…"

The ginger zooplankton felt his eyes dilate in terror. "No-no no no," he begged, trying again to pull out of her grip. He was such an idiot, falling for her tricks..! He shook his head, pleading with the sinister amoeba. "No, no, no, no, no!" He shouted in denial.

Konan cocked her head approvingly. "Yeah, kinda like that, but less of the 'no no no's, the human man didn't seem that upset."

Pein stared at her in disbelief. Did she honestly think the game was still on? "You can't have me!" He choked, trying to hold back the tears of panic.

Her full lips smiled wider. "Aww, you're such a blessed actor." Clearly unaware of his panic or choosing to ignore it, she curled another psuedopod around him, pulling him into the vast expanse of her body.

He closed his eyes in resolute death. This was the end. It had to be.

They floated like that for a moment, before Pein dared to open one eye warily. He wasn't disintegrating.

"Y- you're not going to eat me?" He whispered in amazement.

Konan scoffed, letting him go finally. "Hell no," she huffed, springing her pseudopods back into her body. "That was the best sex I've ever had."

"Se… sek…?"

The amoeba grinned again. "Sex, silly."

"What's that?" He asked innocently, swimming a fair distance away.

"What we just did," she purred happily.

Pein shook his head, and simply took off for his life. She'd let him go, and that was that. He was grateful he'd survived, and that was the only thing occupying his mind. Maybe he'd go hunt down Deidara, and kill the little shit for abandoning him so quickly.

Konan could go and have her 'sex', following whatever the humans did. He wasn't concerned about it, anyhow. He was done with microorgasms, thanks.


	6. Warmth in a Hand

**A/N: **Kami... if you're up there... help us. D: You know what I mean.

Okay, so! This Wednesday is PuppetXShark!! ^^ Aha, for the first time, Sasori's picked! And Sasori=Bitch Fans, stay tuned for next week! I can guarantee you one of the more unheard whore stories. :D I swear I hate the child. You know how in _Still Alive_, I said that I couldn't write a story with both Sasori and Orochi in it without making our dearest Snakey rape the fuck out of Sasori? Well, this story takes place just two years after Sasori left Suna (he's 17) and Kisame's a new Akatsuki recruit. Meaning Orochi's still his partner. Equals more OroSaso. -shot-  
But non-OroSaso supporters, I'm surprising you all. I've officially decided that Orochimaru won't rape Sasori in my other story, _Gun 'Em Down._ :D Every other story though, is definitely Saso-fuckage. Enjoy this week of Seme(ish)!Sasori and another Uke!Kisa!!

**Title: **Warmth in a Hand

**Pairing: **SasoKisa

**Genre: **Friendship/Romance

**Rating: **T

**Summary:** All one needs at a crossroads is a bit of warmth to help them into the right direction.

**Credits: **I own... uh. About six X-Acto knives in my art box now. That I stole. o wo" That's all.

* * *

**Crack Wednesdays 6**

**Warmth in a Hand  
**

Kisame sighed, a look of utter despair on his face. There was no turning back after this point… Was this really what he was willing to sacrifice the rest of his life to?

"C'mon," called Itachi in a monotone voice. Kisame cringed in fear, carefully keeping his eyes to the rocky path. He struggled to move a foot forward, but found it painful to take the final step away from the life he'd always known, and into Akatsuki.

The Uchiha scoffed and rolled his eyes, walking into the large cave. "I'll leave the port open for you when you're ready. Don't try and bolt." He instructed, obviously used to new recruits.

Kisame's large shoulders shrank together in his intimidated emotions, and he murmured a soft thanks. He sat down heavily, curling his knees to his chest. This notion would take a while to sink into his head… Placing his aching head down into his arms, he felt his eyelids flutter closed, and he drifted off to a meditative rest.

He was startled a while later by the sun's rays which were then angled into his face, and by the distant sounds of quarreling. Looking up, he saw on the thickly tree-lined path, a black-haired, pale figure, and a short redhead looking no older than fifteen. They were snapping back and forth at each other, but it wasn't until the black-haired man roared something and violently threw his partner against a tree, that Kisame noticed the Akatsuki cloak falling off the boy's thin shoulders.

His small eyes widened in shock, appalled at the scene before him. He opened his mouth to speak, but the pale man's angry shouts drowned him out.

"I'm your superior, Sasori, and you'll do well to remember that!"

The tiny redhead struggled upright, growling just loud enough for Kisame to hear. "You can't tell me how to—" he began, before being cut off. His teammate threw his hand to Sasori's throat, clenching his neck savagely.

Kisame stood up, running to the site. "Stop it," he cried, terrified for the little redhead. As he ran to the two, his own unworn cloak fluttering to the floor, he tore the snake-like man's hands off of his partner.

The pale one sneered at him, glancing at the cloak on the floor. "You're the new recruit from Kiri?" He asked, almost scornfully.

Kisame felt his insides burning up under the man's hostile glare, and it was all he could do to nod nervously.

"Orochimaru…" The young boy started, but was cut off by his associate.

"Tch, come on, Sasori." He ordered, brushing by Kisame coldly.

The redhead rolled his eyes, but as he passed the Kiri-nin, the blue man noticed that no bruise marks were left on the boy's neck, and in fact, he seemed entirely unharmed. There was no trace of the abuse he'd witnessed, save for the Akatsuki cloak he was shrugging back on, and a stray leaf in his hair.

Kisame watched the two make their way into the lair, the hostility higher than before. Staring at the backs of their heads, a gnawing hollow pit in his heart grew. He didn't want to do this. To join Akatsuki was suicide. Sasori and Orochimaru had so casually just made a violent exchange, and neither was perturbed by it. Even though the shark was one of the ruthless Seven Swordsmen, he wasn't one to abuse the helpless, and such a display intimidated him.

For the first time, Kisame felt like crying. This was the biggest crossroad of his life. He could choose now, whether to remain in Kiri, or to become a criminal, hunted 'til the grave. The large man groaned heavily, slumping limply against the same tree Sasori had been thrown against.

They'd taken his Samehada, and apparently, the leader was checking it to be sure there were no bugging jutsus on it. Akatsuki, he already knew, was a filthy organization of violence, hatred, and distrust, but he didn't know whether he could stand up for himself in such chaos or not.

In his bubble of thought, it startled him then, when the sharp tone of Orochimaru barked out again. "Sasori. I thought you hated to make me wait."

Kisame warily looked at the two again, who were at the maw of the entrance. Sasori was further away, and was actually looking back at him. The shark-nin felt a thump of fear in his heart, staring into those cold, crimson eyes.

"Sasori," Orochimaru hissed again, stepping back to grab the redhead's arm.

The boy snatched his appendage back, and flipped his superior the finger. "Fuck off, you pedophile." He snarled, glaring poisonously at the snake man.

Orochimaru slit his golden eyes at the scarlet, and then strutted away in finality. Sasori glowered at the taller's receding back, until he disappeared entirely into the cave. Turning back to Kisame, his expression softened slightly. As he walked back to him, the blue man shrank into himself again, even more scared by the sheer cruelty of this organization.

Then, reaching him, the redhead offered him a hand and a smile. Hesitantly, Kisame took the appendage, realizing that it was cold and lifeless. His strong surge of chakra detected no blood flow in the fingers, and a dread curiosity awoke in him about the boy.

So fixed on the inanimate arm, he accidentally tugged the redhead too hard, bringing him into his broad chest. Kisame stiffened in terror, afraid he'd offended the dangerous criminal. "I'm—I'm sorry!" He stammered hopelessly, ashamed of his disgusting meekness.

Sasori propped himself up, standing back up easily. "Oof. No, it's okay." This time, he held out both hands, which Kisame gingerly took. But now, he noticed that the added hand was warm, normal. His surprise must've shown, because an amused expression found its way onto the redhead's pale lips, but he said nothing.

Successfully bringing Kisame to his feet, Sasori asked, "Are you okay?"

The Kiri-nin nodded sheepishly, hastily picking up his discarded cloak off the forest floor. "Thanks," he muttered, rubbing the nape of his neck ruefully.

Sasori cocked his head inquisitively. "You're paired with Itachi, aren't you?" He determined loosely.

Kisame bit his lip, thinking about the dark Uchiha. "Yeah… he's… frightening."

The redhead chuckled darkly at these words. "Oh, don't worry. He's not as much of a creep as he is a narcissistic prick."

The swordsman allowed a tentative smile to fill his lips at this assurance, and he laughed quietly. "That's good to know," he confessed, looking down at the petite redhead.

Sasori gestured slowly to the concealed hideout. "So, I guess we should be getting in, or they'll have our heads."

The boy was right, for as soon as they entered the vast cave, Kisame saw Orochimaru and Itachi glaring at one another challengingly, then, as they made their appearance, directed their glares to their respective partners.

"Come." Itachi commanded imperiously, beckoning to his much larger, but terrified new teammate.

As Orochimaru roughly and far more crudely seized Sasori's forearm, the redhead sighed at this controlling superior, and then looked at Kisame. He stuck out his warm hand, and shook with the still-timid shark.

"It was nice meeting you," the redhead stated, voice now more subdued and mature in the presence of others.

Kisame, locked in the gleaming, ruby eyes, could only nod an agreement. All he could feel was the glowing, heated skin against his, blood slowly pumping through the veins.

"Kisame." Itachi ordered impatiently. Quickly, the Kiri-nin broke the contact, and shuffled after his guide without looking back at the redhead. And he didn't know it, but he would be the last person to feel the warmth of Sasori's skin, in that meaningless handshake.


	7. Pimp Service

**A/N: **SORRY THIS IS SO LATE. DX Yesterday, I only started to write this because my muse exploded, then we went to the airport to pick up my sister, and-- yeah, this is a load of bullshit. =x=  
HAPPY CRACK THURSDAYS. DX

**Title: **Pimp Service

**Pairing: **HidaSaso

**Genre:** Humor/General

**Rating: **M for sexual lingo and etc.

**Summary: **Pimp service: (n) whoring out your best friends behind their backs so you get their money.

**Credits:** HAHAHAHAA. I wish I owned Naruto.

* * *

**Crack Wednesdays 7**

**Pimp Service**

"Deidara! Give me back my scorpions, now!"

It was a Wednesday morning in Akatsuki, and was unfolding rather typically. Sasori had been in his and Deidara's room, fixing Hiruko's inside compartment, when the terrorist had suddenly grabbed his teammate's scorpion tank, and hurtled out.

Sasori was now trying to disentangle himself form the slow shell of Hiruko, and chasing awkwardly after Deidara, following the trail of maniacal cackles.

"Finder's keepers, loser's weepers, Danna, un!" The blonde trilled obnoxiously, disappearing down another corridor. Sasori rolled his eyes, kicking his foot out of the broken puppet.

"What the hell did that little brat eat for breakfast?"

"Sugar flakes," Itachi answered in a monotone as he passed his coworker.

"Yeah, figures…" The redhead growled under his breath.

Then, as he watched the Uchiha stumble rather blindly away, he heard a creaking noise behind him, but unable to spin around in time, two hands covered his mouth and waist, and he was pulled into one of the hallway closets, the door snapping shut before any light could enter the tiny space.

"Deidara!" He hissed, writhing free. "Where are my scorpions?"

"I'm not Deidara. And keep your fucking voice down, dammit."

"Hidan?" Sasori asked loudly, not bothering to comply to his request. "What's going on?"

"Nothing. Just shut up and try not to scream like a shitter—"

"Why would I—Ah!"

"Hush. I only took off your damn pants, and already you're bitchin'."

"You took off my—_what the hell is going on_?"

Randomly aiming, Sasori shot out strings of chakra, immobilizing a spare cloak as his puppet. But the illumination provided by the energy allowed him to see at least, and that was enough. Hidan was standing two inches from his face, leering down at him hungrily. "I paid good money for you, so don't--"

"Wait, you _paid_ for me?" Sasori spluttered in shock, hand fumbling for his discarded pants. "Like—like a pimp service, or something?"

"Just like a fuckin' service. And yes, I paid, with Kakuzu's money too, so be good." Hidan instructed, busily ridding his own garments.

"Who?" The redhead burst, anger filling his voice.

"The blonde." He informed his purchase, now slapping the hand that was reaching down to pull the pants back on. "Stop that, shithead. Do your job proper."

"This is _not_ my job, you childfucker! My job is to kill people." His stomach cord flew out of its coil, and buried itself deep in the albino's gut, sending a spray of blood over both of them.

"Ooh, orgasmic," the Jashinist enthused, suddenly yanking the cord deeper and deeper into himself, until it reached its end, and Sasori was chest-to-chest with him.

The puppeteer paled visibly in the glow of the chakra, as he felt something prodding his side that was definitely not a kunai. "Hi—Hidan. Uh, your penis is poking me."  
"It'll be _more_ than _pokin'_ you, Red."

Sasori really wished he were somewhere else.

**--xoxoxo--**

"Danna, Danna," Deidara trilled, bouncing into their room. "Look what I—oh." He stopped shortly, faced with a furious Sasori. There was a long, horrible silence, broken only by the redhead's deep breathing, and clenching of wooden digits.

"Uh. I got braces for my handmouths, un!" He told his superior lamely, holding up his palms. The teeth grinned back, now adorned with flashing hues of braces.

"You _pimped me out_!" Sasori bellowed, ramming an angry fist into his teammate's face.

"Ow, un." The blonde grunted, stepping back warily. "But see- the money got them _braces_, and so now my bombs—"

"The money, _I _fucking gave you!" Hidan snarled from the doorway, holding what looked to be several pieces of amputated arm. "I didn't even get to fuck the little shit!"

"Why not?" Deidara asked nervously, blue eyes darting for an escape path.

"I have no hole to rape me up," Sasori told the younger dryly.

"Well, how was I supposed to know!" The terrorist pleaded, ducking his head. He cringed as his danna came closer, stomach cord dancing threateningly in the air.

"You two are so fucked." The redhead hissed, crimson eyes flickering between both his violators. The cord shot toward Hidan first, penetrating the immortal, then flew at Deidara, to make an unpleasant Sasori's Grudges Shish kebab. But before he could kill the terrorist, his cord was halted short by the zealot, who ripped the coil back as far as it could go, forcefully bringing Sasori to his chest again.

"I never got my shit's worth," he reminded the partners, releasing one hand to take his pike from his back. "And if you don't' have a hole to be raped up, Red, then I'll just have to make my own fuckhole, yeah?"

Deidara chose that moment to slink out, and offer Tobi's ass to Itachi for a mere 600¥.


	8. Part of Your World

**A/N: **Well hello. :3 I didn't start this until Monday, and I actually had a lot of fun with it. I asked Pizzazz to help me with ideas, and I think I need a prompt to get these things going. So now I know! And by the way- I think I'm going to end this on December 31. Any complaints or suggestions on the end of this oneshot collection, please enclose in a review! Thanks!

**Title: **Part of Your World

**Pairing: **KisaTobi

**Genre: **Friendship/Humor

**Rating: **T for mild swearing

**Summary: **Of all people to see beyond the skin, Tobi the Little Mermaid did it best.

**Credits: **I own neither Naruto nor the Little Mermaid. Though I LOVE both~~

* * *

**Crack Wednesdays 8**

**Part of Your World  
**

"Deidara! Get over here and _control_ your ugly pet!"

"But Danna-a-a!"

"_Now_! He's making a pool on the floor."

Kisame grumbled, pulling the pillow further over his head as he tried to block out the incessant whines of the bomber and his partner. No respect was left in Akatsuki. They all clearly knew that he and Itachi had arrived home from their mission at three in the morning, and still they were shameless in their disgusting bickering.

Seething, the Kiri-nin staggered upright, careful not to wake his teammate. He quietly stole out of their room, and then angrily stormed down the main corridor. "Oi! 'The hell is going on this early in the morning?" He bellowed, once he was out of earshot of Itachi.

He blanched as a loud screech of frustration ripped through the air. The door to the bathroom cracked open, and in incensed Sasori hurtled out, ripping the hair from his scalp. "What do you _want_, Shark Boy?" The redhead roared, withering the Kiri-nin under his crimson gaze.

The blue man straightened himself back up. "I just went to bed three hours ago, and now you people are ripping headquarters down with your racket!"

Sasori huffed, crossing his thin arms. "It's that useless Tobi," he scowled, tilting his head back at the bathroom. "And speaking of useless, where the hell is Deidara?" Glaring at Kisame, he shook his head, and then stormed off in the supposed direction of the blonde.

Suddenly, a loud cry rang from the bathroom. "Whee!"

Kisame winced, and then peered into the wash chamber, his pupils dilating at the sight before him. The bathtub was flooded to the top, and Tobi was decked out in a black wetsuit and a scuba mask around his normal orange one, on his stomach in the tub. The shark-nin could barely decipher what the man was singing in an off-key pitch, but what he could pick up, he thought it went along the lines of,

"…_Up where they play all day in the sun,_

_Out of the sea,_

_Wish I could be,_

_Part of that world...~!"_

When he finished his warble, Tobi suddenly rushed forward on his belly, the water recoiling around him, splashing up on the wall and all over the floor. With a jolt of remembrance, Kisame realized that he recognized that very scene his coworker was reenacting, as from The Little Mermaid Disney film.

Staring, he watched as Tobi sat back up in his 'sea', giggling to himself. Then, the orange-masked 'criminal' noticed Kisame, and yelped in glee. "Oh, Kisame-sempai!" He squealed excitedly.

The Kiri-nin had a bad feeling that he already knew what the Uchiha was planning for him. "Tobi—what is this?" He cut in defense, before he could be asked to play Ursula.

The shock of black hair was wrung out quickly, and then he answered in joy. "It's the Little Mermaid world!" He laughed, probably beaming up at the tall ninja. "But it's not working like I wanted it to," he admitted, hanging his head sadly. "I invited Sasori-san to be King Triton just now, but he didn't like that, so I asked Deidara-sempai to be Queen Ursula, and he didn't like that either, so…"

Kisame chuckled into a fist. "Haha, I wouldn't think so. That blond's vainer than most girls are."

"But—but, I meant the _pretty_ Ursula, not the octopus one!" Tobi protested, taking off the scuba mask, flaunting his best puppy-dog pout, penetrating even under the orange disc.

Easily touched, the blue man felt this heart reach out to the childish Uchiha. "Awh, hey, don't be upset. Deidara's prob'ly just PMS'ing, and Sasori… he's never been that willing to get in the water."

"In the water…" Tobi suddenly gasped, and smacked the water surface with his rubber-gloved hands. "Kisame-sempai! Do you want to play with me?!"

The shark-nin cringed, unnerved by the prospect of having to chase a wet-suited Tobi around headquarters, yelling 'Give me your voice!' As politely as he could, he backed out. "Er, I'm real sorry, but I just got back from a mission, and I'm exhausted… so… I wouldn't be a very good actor."

The masked-man strengthened his pout. "But no one else wants to play! And 'sides, it's not a hard job! Mostly you just sit around an' look important."

"But that wouldn't be fair to you," Kisame pointed out gently. "It wouldn't be much fun, running around, er, swimming, and not having me really do my part." 'Let me go to sleep. Please?'

Tobi exhaled, placing an elbow on the edge of the tub and resting his chin in his hand. "But Kisame-sempai-i-i, the hardest part would be the dancing and smiling, that's it."

The blue man sighed, holding up a finger as a point. "See, that's another issue. I can't even dance—wait. What?" He dropped his hand, now bewildered. Octopi danced?

The Uchiha giggled at his peer's foolishness. "Oh, Kisame-sempai, you funny goose, haven't you ever seen the Little Mermaid? Eric dances with _everyone_! He's a dancing slut!" After declaring this, he snickered to himself, obviously pleased. "Deidara-sempai taught me that word. Heehee, Sasori-san's a slut."

Kisame blinked, now wrapping his head around what Tobi had just said. "Huh? You want me to be the _prince_?" He placed a large hand to his chest, to indicate that he was indeed talking about his own job.

"Well, duhh," the brunet caroled, swirling a hand through the bathwater. "Who else?"

At this, the shark-nin almost fell to the saturated ground, cackling in amusement. "Well," he coughed, counting off the other possibilities on his fingers, "First off, there's Deidara, then Itachi, then Hidan, Sasori, Pein, and Kakuzu. Hell, even Zetsu and Konan could've been better Princes. Why _me_? Wouldn't I be a better Flotsam slash Jetsam?"

Tobi chortled, his broad shoulders shaking in mirth. "Silly, silly goose," he burbled, "all of them are meanies! 'specially Kakuzu-sensei," he muttered, flicking beads of water from his glove. "You're the nicest, and so you're the handsomest, which is why you're a good Prince Eric. All of them deserve to be big, fat, ugly Octopus Ursulas!" He shouted, slapping the surface water again.

Kisame felt his heart truly go out to Tobi then. The poor kid really did see beyond the skin, a surprising fact within itself. "Tobi…" he started, extending a comforting hand out to touch the other's shoulder. "I'll play with you, alright?"

The Uchiha shook his head sullenly, drooping sadly. "No, you're tired. I'm sorry, I should let you rest."

"No," the Kiri-nin asserted firmly, "I _want_ to play." Nobody had ever seen past his aqua skin, flapping gills, and beady eyes to consider that just maybe, he could be handsome. He was touched, really, that Tobi thought he'd make the best Prince Eric. "What scene should I come in?" He demanded, shrugging out of his Akatsuki cloak.

"Ooh, in the part where you're drowning 'cause of the storm, and I gotta rescue you!" The black-haired man informed his new partner, clapping his hands in excitement. He didn't bother to further protest Kisame's right to sleep, more interested now that he had a playmate.

The shark ninja stripped down to his pants and cannon-balled into the tub, consequently sending a wave of half the water, sloshing sloppily over the side. "Oh, no!" He wailed, flailing his arms wildly in the limited space.

The masked Akatsuki giggled, pretending to battle his way through an endless sea. "I'mma save you, O' Prince of the Kingdom-thing!"

Just then, Itachi groggily stumbled into the bathroom, rubbing his overused eyes in fatigue. "What the hell's going on at this ungodly hour?" He demanded in his monotone.

Kisame looked up in horror, and quickly dropped Tobi from the headlock he'd been in. "Uh, we're just—taking a bath!" He assured the Konoha-nin, quickly splashing a bit of water to prove his statement.

"…I'm going to be glad that I'm half-blind now," Itachi told them firmly, before leaving with as much dignity intact as he could muster.

Tobi ashamedly turned his head away. "I'm sorry, Kisame-sempai," he muttered miserably.

"What for?" The Kiri-nin yelped, his pupils wide in mock terror. "Now's not the time for sappy apologies, I'm still drowning, you seahorse!"

With a cry of relief and happiness, the masked mermaid princess launched herself back at her Prince in distress. "Hang on in there, Eric-sempai! I'll save you!"


	9. We All Want Something More

**A/N: **Oh wow, guys, I don't even have an excuse for this. I'm super sorry. D: School work, y'know. 3: But I'll work extra hard! I'm sorry for the delayyy. DX I love you guys! Can you still love me? :/

**TItle: **We All Want Something More

**Pairing: **HidaPein

**Genre: **General/Friendship

**Rating:** M for mature topics

**Summary: **Konan wants something. Hidan wants something more. Pein _definitely _wants something much, much more.

**Credits: **All I own is a Barbie whose boobs I tried to hack off with several sharp utensils. D:

* * *

**Crack Wednesdays 9**

**We All Want Something More  
**

"I'll give you all my paycheques from here to the end of the year!"

"Nope, sorry, that's a bribe for Kakuzu."

"Konan crossed her arms frustratedly. "Hidan, _please_! I've offered everything I have to give for this, _why_ don't you want any of it?"

"I don't want your fuckin' stuff," the man scorned, his amethyst eyes rolling as if it were the most obvious thing he'd ever heard of. "And really, of all the times to get someone to do your dirty shit, you choose it when there's only one choice left? You're letting me jack up the price, Blue."

The origami mistress grabbed the pale, muscular arms. "I'll bring you seven sacrificial virgins."

Hidan raised his eyebrows. "You must be desperate," he noted in amusement.

"Of course I am!" Konan cried. "He's never going to let us start a family of our own unless I have something to threaten him with, and oh Kami, all the dreams I've had of my little daughters and sons running around..!"

"…_Seven_ virgins?"

"Seven sexy, young, innocent virgins."

"Fine."

The two clasped hands firmly.

**--xoxoxo--**

There was a quiet tap on the door, drifting through the thick mist of shower fog. "What?" Pein barked, running his long fingers through his soapy, ginger spikes.

Nothing replied, and the leader paused for a moment, listening. Hearing nothing, he shrugged, and continued lathering his hair.

Outside the bathroom door, Hidan snickered to himself, clutching his camera tightly. The holder of the Rin'negan was utterly oblivious to his presence, even after he'd knocked so bluntly on the door. Silently, the bribed zealot cracked the port open, peering inside with an amethyst orb. Seeing nothing but a haze of steam, he carefully let himself in, brandishing his camera rather professionally.

Suddenly, the rhythmic rustle of hair being shampooed was halted. "Who's there?" called the ginger man. Hidan's eyes dilated in shock, and he dove behind the wide-open door, holding his breath. Pein parted the curtains and squinted through the sight-impairing cloud, and apparently still unaware, ducked back into the shower.

The albino lifted an eyebrow in incredulous amazement. Pein must have had one hell of a mission for him to be so disoriented. Even the blind weasel could've figured out Hidan's presence.

Then, the prospect of the dying scream of seven youthful virgins tantalized him forward, and he put himself into action. Smirking deviously, he crept closer and closer to the shower curtain. He had to snap the steamiest, sexiest, most erotic erection-inducing picture ever, or he wouldn't get his virgins.

Just as he curled his fingers around the wet fabric, he readied the camera, then yanked the cloth back, and clicked. "…What?!" He yelped, seeing no Pein inside.

There was a tap on his shoulder, and the albino let out a cry of surprise. Pivoting quickly to see his assailant, he slipped on the suddenly wet tiles, and knocking the smaller man over, he landed on top of him.

"Hidan! What're you doing in here with a _camera_?!"

The violet-eyed man grimaced, quickly rolling off of his leader. "Abso-fuckin'-lutely nothing."

Pein straightened back up, securing the white towel around his waist. "Even if you are immortal, Hidan, my Rin'negan can still make you feel pain that would drive even _you_ to screaming for death."

The zealot laughed, then lifted the camera to his eye again. "Jashin's will shall always prevail!" he shouted, snapping picture after picture. The ringed-eyes of the other man slit dangerously, and within seconds, the camera disintegrated noiselessly in Hidan's hand.

"What's going on?" The shorter criminal demanded.

"Jashin damn it, now I'll never get my fucking sacrifice!" Hidan wailed, horror evident on his paled face. He had to please Konan somehow. Grabbing the still-wet hand, the Jashinist dragged the other man out of the bathroom.

"What—where are we going?"

"Konan's room, shithead, for you two to fuck and make babies," Hidan growled, so upset by the loss of his needed payment. If the bluenette didn't give him at least three virgins for effort….

"Nngh!" The violet-eyed killer turned around at the noise, lifting a snow-white brow in surprise. "What the hell's up with you?"

"Don't make me breed! Please!" Pein was now tugging away from the hand that captivated him, only barely hanging onto the towel that covered him up. Hidan could only be grateful that there were no other Akatsuki members at base to witness this terrifying scene.

"I need my sacrificial virgins!" He shouted, throwing open Konan's door and tossing in the ginger-haired man after.

"No—wait, Hidan! I love you! Come back and _save me_--!"

Like an irreversible magnet, Pein snapped back onto the albino's arm, quivering with fear.

"She's not in there! We can still run, please!"

"_What_ are you scared of? You're a guy! Guys love to fuck! It's like our hobby! 'Hey, what do you like to do?' 'Oh, me? I like watching porn, reading porn, and doing porn!'"

"No—ugh, that's not it."

The amethyst eyes glared down at the traumatized man that was leeched onto him, requiring a halfway decent explanation.

"I—I got—I got—you know whatted."

Hidan curled his lip in scorn. "Pein, I'd normally respect you, but when you're whining to me in a fuckin' towel _falling off your body_, I can't take you seriously."

But instead of fixing his drooping towel, the pierced man simply whipped it off. "I got castrated when I was sixteen."

Instantaneously, the deep purple eyes widened in appalled horror. "Oh my_ fucking Jashin._"

The Akatsuki leader nodded solemnly, covering up his blank hips sadly. "That's why I don't want to show her. She'd hate me or something."

"_How?"_

Pein's face quirked in discontent at the question. "I was sixteen, for Christ's sake. I was at a bar, got drunk, ended up in a back room with a bunch of guys. How was I supposed to know what he meant by 'I'm gonna stab you with my knife'? I thought it was a _metaphor_ for his dick, but _no-o-o_, he goes and castrates me."

Hidan quickly enveloped his leader in a smothering hug. "Oh, you poor woman," he sympathized, pulling the shorter into his room. "Hey, I can regenerate. Gift of Jashin. Come with me, yeah? I'll give you my dick."

Without bothering to ask for the other man's consent, he closed the curtains on the outside world, and stripped off his own pants.

After all, who _wouldn't_ want a cock as large as his? _That_ was something to brag about.


	10. Ornamental

**A/N: **Wow, holy shit, this one sucks ass. XD' I'm sorry, guys. Christmastime!! XD' And happy holidays to everyone who celebrates anything other than Christmas. ;D And btw-- today, I rewatched The Dark Knight. 8D SHOULD NOT HAVE DONE THAT. Know that one scene near the end, where Batman and the Joker are fighting on the top of the tower, and the Joker gets hung upside down? During one of the earlier parts, where the Joker was (straddling) Batman and about to pull the trigger to blow up the ferries, Vikkie was all, "_Bishie foreplay!_" And now I'm more compelled than ever to write a BatsyXJoker fic. ;o; (Necury, save me, my love. XD')

**Title: **Ornamental

**Pairing:** ZeKonan

**Genre:** Friendship

**Rating:** T for mild language

**Summary: **Konan is always the one left to set up Christmas decor, and sometimes, it gets a little frustrating.

**Credits:** I own a lot of new ideas for BatsyXJoker fics, ;D but that's it. =x="

* * *

**Crack Wednesdays 10**

**Ornamental**

Konan hummed happily to herself, fishing in the large, plastic tubs for another ornament. Unsheathing the bauble from its protective shell of newspapers, she held it up to the light, then instantly grimaced. It was an old one that Sasori had made, with a detailed portrait of himself and his former partner, Orochimaru, affectionately holding hands. That wouldn't go off too well with neither the puppet master nor his new teammate.

Quickly crushing the delicate glass beneath a ninja boot, she dug out another bauble. This time, it was one of Kakuzu's. Painted on it was the hostile slogan: 'My only love is in hard, cold cash'. But ever since the arrival of their ever-adorable immortal… Another ornament, ground under Konan's foot.

Pulling ball after ball from the box, she could only seem to find more and more former loves. "God damn, who put up our tree last year?!" She cried, throwing down one of Hidan's old ones. ('Jashin will KILL my fucker of a teammate!') And also, whose bright idea was it to start the Akatsuki tradition of decorating a tree ornament with each member's greatest love? "It's like I'm the only one with any tact in this whole organization," she complained, staring at the huge heap of fragmented glass before her. Since she'd had to get rid of every last trace of Orochimaru and all thirty-two of Kakuzu's late partners, not to mention a few bitter remnants of holidays spent bickering between couples, her heel was getting sore from crushing baubles. "Ridiculous!" She cried, flopping down on the couch exhaustedly.

"Konan..? Is that..?"

The blunette looked up wearily, her own indigo eyes meeting Zetsu's. "Is what, what?" She asked, looking for clarification.

"Is that Montgomery?!" The plant-man rushed to the pine-tree's side, his golden eyes wide in horror. "Oh, oh, Monty! What happened to you? You're so… limp and cold!"

Konan rolled her eyes, slapping the trembling white hand away from the tree. "Get, Zetsu. It's made out of plastic; you'd think someone like _you_ could've figured that one out."

While the black half glared at her angrily, the white side looked ashamed. "Yes, yes, of course. I'm sorry." "No you're not. Go kill yourself, you miserable excuse for a ninja."

The blunette bristled, her nerves already hampered at by the ridiculous glass ornaments. "Zetsu! Out! I'm trying to make this bat cave look somewhat presentable for Santa, alright?"

"Santa doesn't exist," growled Black Zetsu angrily. "We saw Mommy making snow footprints on the carpet so we'd believe in Santa. _We saw!_" "And then—and then you _ate_ Mommy!" sobbed White Zetsu, tears forming in the corner of his eye. "_We_ ate Mommy," corrected the more aggressive side.

Konan threw another Orochimaru ornament at both of them. "Out!" She screeched, sounding much like a resurrected-from-the-stomach mother.

As Zetsu scampered out, Konan screamed in a deranged way, throwing herself into a thousand origami swords and fluttering to the floor tiredly.

She lay on the floor limply for about thirty minutes, just trying to cleanse her frustration in a thousand simplistic, paper minds.

At that moment, Zetsu returned, his steps timid and respectful. "Uhm, Konan-san, we're sorry for fighting and making you mad. Please don't be upset with us!"

The origami mistress raised one delicate eyebrow. "So who's in control now?" She asked suspiciously.

"I am, I promise!" White Zetsu pleaded, his kindness saturating the air.

The woman groaned, lifting herself to her feet again. "Zetsu… I have a lot of work to do. Christmas isn't just about setting out cookies and milk, alright? I have to set up tinsel around headquarters, hang mistletoe over everyone's doors, change the hallway lights to be fluorescent green and red, and then I have to bake the cookies, set candles and light them, then I also have to dust out the cobwebs that some asshole left out for Halloween and put poinsettias there too. Speaking of which, I need to go buy some, and that's not even considering that I'm not done decorating the tree—why the _hell_ am I telling you all this?!"

Zetsu's hands were folded together sweetly, and he was rocking back and forth on his heels, truly looking like a child at Christmastime. "We can help you with the mistletoe and poinsettias, Konan-san."

The blunette's expression softened slightly. "Nah, thanks, Zetsu. Just… go take care of your bouncy ball, a'right?"

"Tobi? Oh, he's trying to make Itachi play Spin-the-Bottle with Kisame. It's okay."

Konan's brow lifted higher at the care-less attitude. "Odd. You're usually ballistic if you know Tobi's hanging around with the 'corrupt' members. Aren't they a 'bad influence'?"

"Yeah…" Zetsu struggled, obviously attempting to hold back on spitting out Hidan's name, "but we owe you, Konan-san. So how can we help you?"

All business, the origami specialist directed a thin finger at the half-decorated Christmas tree. "With Monty."

The plant-man stood still for a moment or so, tapping his (black) foot meditatively. "…We think it'd be faster if we were _in_ Monty."

Konan's face paled visibly at Zetsu's choice of words. "Meh?"

"We could… we could melt into Monty and possess him, and then scoop all the ornaments onto ourselves, and come back out, and then Monty will be decorated much faster!" Now well excited at his ingenious, the half-bodied ninja clenched his fists, more than ready to possess the tree.

The Ame-nin cocked her head, biting her lower pierced lip. "…Monty's not a real plant, Zetsu."

At her cold reminder, the plant-crowned cannibal's face fell, and White Zetsu's mouth trembled in misery, while Black Zetsu sneered in disgust. His visage combined as a whole was, to say the kindest, putrid.

"…But maybe you should just help me put the ornaments on him?" She suggested brightly, her motherly side returning quickly.

The plant-nin nodded eagerly, both his schizophrenic halves accepting. "Yes, please."

"Do you have an appetite for glass?"

"Uhm."


	11. Caffeinated

**A/N: **Some of you have noticed the change in my name and whatnot and- thank you. Thanks so much. You guys have really picked me up, and I realize how stupid I've been for bitching at everything. Thanks. I love you guys!

**Title: **Caffeinated

**Pairing:** KakuDei

**Genre:** Comedy/General

**Rating:** T for sparse language

**Summary: **Deidara always took it upon himself to bring his officemates their daily dose of coffee. However, he hadn't ever expected to accidentally get Kakuzu caffeine...

**Credits: **I own neither Naruto nor Caribou Coffee (damn- those fuckers are better than Starbucks. XD' Ily Pizzazzzz~)

* * *

**Crack Wednesdays 11**

**Caffeinated**

"Coffee's here, un!" Deidara called as he stepped into the executive office, lifting the tray of standard coffee cups in the air, as he shimmied his way around the four cubicles.

Sasori frowned at his coworker, crossing his arms as he leaned back into his chair. "You shouldn't take on everybody's needs, Deidara," he scorned concernedly, propping his glasses back up.

The blond laughed at this, and handed him a steaming container. "Nah, it gets me out of work, un. Don't worry, I'm still as assertive as ever. So... caffeinated hazelnut for you..." he handed one to the redhead, and then dropped another on Hidan's desk, carefully passing it into the paler hands. "Caffeinated French vanilla..." He scooted on to Kakuzu's work place. "_Decaf_ French vanilla for you, and... Triple-shot espresso with raspberry for me." A malicious smirk crossed his lips, as he lifted the last cup to his mouth and inhaled the legal drug.

"You terrify me, Blondie," Hidan admitted, blowing on his hot beverage. "You're hyper enough without the help of fuckin' caffeine..." Drinking his own coffee in, he let the liquid sit in his mouth for a moment, before he swallowed it in disgust. "What the hell is this?"

Deidara lifted an eyebrow, sitting down at his desk. "French vanilla. It's what you always get, un."

The albino critically glanced at his steaming drink. "I don't think it's caffeinated. Fuck."

"Are you sure? I saw the barista get three cups from the caffeine. Well, I mean, three shots espresso in mine, but..."

Sasori set aside his untouched coffee. "Maybe you mixed them up, Deidara."

"Well, mine's right... is yours, un?"

The redhead picked up his cup, gingerly taking a sip. "I believe so."

"Then..." Hidan's, Deidara's, and Sasori's eyes all turned to stare at Kakuzu in horror.

"Oh, shit, un," the blond breathed, sweeping back his bangs quickly in disbelief.

The tall man was shivering violently, his pen trembling madly in his hand. His emerald eyes were fixated at the contract before him, seemingly unfocused and dilated. His elbow twitched quickly, knocking over the container of coffee next to him. The beverage spilled over, tainting the office floor with its strong scent.

"He's fuckin' caffeinated!" Hidan bellowed. He was the first to leap out of his chair, and he wasted no time in hurtling out of the office, pushing several bumbling assistants out of the way as he streaked toward the closest elevator.

Sasori and Deidara remained sitting in their seats, transfixed at the sight. Kakuzu was slowly standing up, his entire body shaking with the influence of caffeine. All at once, the other two snapped up, and both raced to the door. "Crap, he's coming!" The blond screamed, his eyes wide in terror.

But they were no match to a drugged, delirious Kakuzu. Just in front of the elevator, the zombie-like man snagged his blue-eyed coworker with a quavering hand, and pulled his prey back toward him. Sasori stared in horror at what would surely become the prelude to a murder, helpless as the mechanic doors hummed shut between them.

Left alone to die, (all the other workers on that floor had quickly locked themselves in their respective offices) Deidara stared up in horror at his captor. "Wha-- what are you going to do to me, un?"

The drugged executive groggily glanced at the blond in his choke-hold. "Whuz in my coffer...?"

The shorter man winced, as a thumb prodded his windpipe a little too roughly in its trembling. "I-- I accidentally gave you caffeinated coffee, un! Pl- please leggo!"

But the tanned one had no such intention. "Dun... ever give me... caffeine..." He warned, pulling his associate's face close to his.

"I won't, I promise I promise I promise, un!" Deidara swore, lifting his hands, trying to alleviate the accusatory tone in the other man's voice.

"Do you realize... I have... heart conditions?" The taller rasped throatily, his hand immediately flying to his throbbing chest. "If I die because of you--"

The azure eyes widened dramatically as his captor keeled over, clutching at his swollen organ. Obviously, he was extremely sensitive to caffeine...

"Oh, _shit_, un!" The blond yelped, falling to the floor with the darker man. "Frick, frick, frickity _frick_!" He spread Kakuzu's arms out, and placed an ear to the broad chest. His coworker's heart was thumping most erratically, driven to the brink by the influence of that damn caribou's drug. "I only went into business! I never took a major in medicine, or even a minor, I _never went to med school!_" He wailed, pushing down on Kakuzu's torso with both palms. "Oh god, I don't even know if I'm making your heart go faster or slower, frick, what the hell am I doing? _Frick_!"

Just then, there was a loud tapping noise. Deidara looked up hurridly, his eyes staring at another executive, safely locked in her own office. She was rapping sharply on the glass, her hands wildly making motions in the air.

"What the frick..?" The blond muttered to himself. Then, it hit him like a blast of thunder. "Oh! _SAKURA WENT TO MED SCHOOL_!" He closely paid attention to the pink-haired woman's gestures now, and squinted. A cupped hand... He curled his own fist and smacked it against Kakuzu's chest. Sakura winced, and shook her head vigorously. 'No,' she seemed to be mouthing. She held up the cupped hand again, then after uncurling it, extended her index and middle finger, pointing them downwards.

"A gangster move..?" Deidara wondered to himself. Then, his eyes widened even further as her hand straightened out again, and her index and middle digits entwined together. "Holy crap, that means_ sex!"_

Panicked, the blond repeated her signs. A cupped hand... a gangster symbol... and then sex. "What?" He shouted at her, fury turning to terror as Kakuzu wheezed pitifully in front of him.

Sakura slapped her forehead against the glass of the office door, and grabbed a clipboard off of her desk behind her. Seizing a Sharpie, she scribbled on the back. 'ORK', it read.

"Ork, un?" Deidara screamed, anguish filling him as Kakuzu violently clawed at his chest. Apparently, just from two and a half years of med school, she'd acquired the Doctor's signature, as well.

Exasperated by her coworker's incompetence, the pink-haired woman finally ripped open the door of her office. "Give him CPR, you fucktard!" She swore at him.

The blond shook a fist at her receding head. "Screw you, Sakura! If it's so vital, you could just come here and fix him yourself! He's not that vi--"

A large, tan hand closed around his throat, dragging him down to press the two's lips together.

"Mmrph!" Deidara whimpered as Kakuzu's jaw opened, obviously expecting immediate treatment. "Oh, Hidan and Danna are gonna kill me, un," he groaned, taking in a deep breath to transfer to the dying man before him. He blew the gust of air into the blue lips, simultaneously pushing down heavily on the other's chest.

His eyes closed as he felt a pair of hands on the back of his head, pushing him closer to Kakuzu's lips.

There was a noise of a door being slammed open again, and Sakura's shrill voice. "CPR, not make-out time, you manwhores!"

With a level of difficulty, Deidara yanked himself free. "If you're so perfect at this crap, then why don't you come over here and do it yourself, bitch, un!"

Then, at the worst moment possible, the elevator doors hummed open again. Hidan and Sasori stood framed in the metal contraption, weilding mops and broomsticks, obviously filched from the office janitor to help fight off any bloodlusty Kakuzus. But they certainly hadn't been expecting to see Deidara, crouched over said Kakuzu with his head held close to the other man's, looking like they'd both just resurfaced from a breathless liplock.

"Kuzu!"

"Dei!"

"Aw, _frick_," the blond moaned, standing up quickly. With a screech of terror as the other two suddenly ran toward him, he fled as quickly as he could.

As the trio screamed off, they left Kakuzu on the floor, who was shaking with silent mirth, the most sinister smirk possible on his features.


	12. Dating Service

**A/N: **So, since this is the very last Crack Wed (Thurs, whatever), we wanted to end it fantastically, in the crackiest crack of all! Get ready to snort this yaoi mother- a threesome including our favourite pedophile!! ^^ Enjoy, loves!

**Title: **Dating Service

**Pairing: **KakuOroKisa

**Genre: **Drama/Romance

**Rating: **M for mature topics.

**Summary: **Kakuzu had thought that online dating was overrated, and he was right, for the most part. Until it caused possibly the best mix-up he could've been searching for when his mind, body and heart needed it.

**Credits: **Nonononono. :D :D :D

* * *

**Crack Wednesdays 12**

**Dating Service  
**

Kakuzu looked at the paper in his hand in disinterest. He hated online dating services, but Hidan had insisted on his attending. It was one thing for the albino to feel bad for breaking up with him, but way too much for him to be trying to get his ex a new boyfriend.

The tall, tanned man was now, after four weeks of online dating, going to finally meet this Maito Gai. His only hope was that the man had posted up a fake photo to ward off shallow men, because the bowl haircut and disturbing jumpsuits were putting Kakuzu into a mild state of trauma.

He was currently at the building, on the sixth floor and looking for apartment 66. Gai's message had said to look for a bright green balloon, and in plain view, there was a lime green, helium-pumped sphere in front of apartment 67. Nothing the wrong number, Kakuzu shrugged. It was probably just one of that idiot man's other mistakes. Nervously reassembling the foolish tie throttling his neck, (Hidan had, once again _insisted_,) he knocked on the door. After a few seconds, there was no answer. Sighing, he knocked again. Once more, no reply.

"Hello? Are you at home?"

Greeted by silence, the dark haired man rolled his eyes, then twisted the door knob open, letting himself in. It was an average apartment, much to his surprise. Gai had been bragging about his teacup collection which he liked to mount on the wall. What Kakuzu saw though, was a relatively plain green wall, with classic paintings on it. The strangest thing in the living room was a tank.

After closing the door behind him, he walked toward it, and leaned forward, until he saw a black snake, its beady white eyes rolling up at him. The normally composed man sneered in dislike at the reptile. Then there came a hiss from behind him.

"Ahh… you must be Kakuzu."

Said Kakuzu turned around to greet someone who definitely did not look like Maito Gai. "Yes, I am. And… well, you look a lot sexier than you did online," he admitted. And that was no frivolous flattery. The 'Gai' before him was tall with skin as pale as Hidan's, but with long, sweeping hair, dark as the scales of the snake in the tank. Golden, smouldering eyes peered almost seductively at Kakuzu, narrowed handsomely.

To his surprise though, his supposed date disclaimed, "Oh, I'm not Maito Gai." Slinking forward, the pale man curled an arm up Kakuzu's broad chest, resting around his shoulders. "That idiot is my neighbor. He's told me so much about you, and so I couldn't resist stealing you for myself. I moved the balloon so you would come to_ me_. By the way, my name's Orochimaru…"

On some degree, the taller male was immensely relieved. He hummed in understanding, "I see, then. And I think I'm okay with my new date, but…" a chocolate hued hand snatched the other man's, and disentangled it from around him. "If you're going to steal me, fine. But I'm still going to be the one in control, understand?" To prove his point, the taller wrapped his own arm around Orochimaru's, and held the snake-like man possessively.

"Ooh, just my style," the paler one purred, grinning up at his guest as he licked his lips with an impressively sized tongue.

"Then you won't mind if I do _this…"_ With the precision and force of an unstoppable bullet train, Kakuzu pinned his new date to his plain green wall, and trapped him in a painful kiss. Between the hurried exchanges of saliva and tongues, he realized that he'd missed the passionate violence of intimacy, and this man proved the perfect release for him. Maito Gai wouldn't have been quite so willing, he felt, and thus was very pleased with the switch-up.

After wrestling Orochimaru's damned meter-long tongue into obedience, he realized that his partner had stopped all movement. Reluctantly pulling away from that wonderful lip-lock, he turned to follow the other man's gaze, and with a start, saw someone at the door, staring at them.

It was a blue-tinted man, who highly resembled a shark. He had the expression of utmost hatred, and was energetically directing it at Orochimaru. Kakuzu found himself wondering if the snake had had a boyfriend, and forgot about him. But glancing at the golden-eyed male's face, he knew that this wasn't the case, and going by the growing look of confusion, this shark was a total stranger.

Taking matters unto his own hands, Kakuzu barked at the intruder, "Hey, _trying_ to get a punishment for voyeurism, there?"

The blue-haired newcomer redirected his angry stare to Kakuzu, and replied in disgust, "Do you realize who you're making out with?" Without waiting for a response, he bowled straight on. "Orochimaru's a rapist. He got my best friend, and a lot of other people. Did you know your boyfriend does that? Huh?"

Kakuzu looked at his 'boyfriend' for a confirmation, but simply received an innocent shrug. "Right… so what're you here for? Revenge?"

The blue male scoffed. "What else?" He pulled out a gun rather casually from his pocket then, and aimed it at Orochimaru. "You gave Itachi AIDS. You pay for his life with your own!"

With no signs of hesitation, Kakuzu stepped in front of the accused. "Now, now… This rapist here just made me feel the best I've ever felt in half a year since my boyfriend broke up with me, and he's also one hell of a kisser, so you'd be wise enough to not ruin what I finally have."

"He _raped innocent people_!" The shark bellowed, cocking the hand weapon.

"And you're committing a murder," the tanned man reminded drily.

"Have I ever told you—you have the most gorgeous, emerald eyes?" Orochimaru cooed in appreciation from behind him.

"Shut up, bitch," Kakuzu growled as he stared down the man's gun barrel.

"I'll have to kill both of you," the to-be murderer warned them, steadying his weapon. When no response came, he inhaled shakily, then gritted his teeth nervously. "Let this be the last thing you two ever hear, then! You may have gotten to Uchiha Itachi, but Hoshigaki Kisame is untouchable!" Following his words was a slender, fragile moment of bated silence, then to all three's surprise, Kakuzu collapsed onto the couch, trembling with half-mad laughter.

"Oh, Kami," he burst out, "I knew you wouldn't shoot, I _knew_ it."

Offended, Kisame aimed his gun at his rude victim, shouting out in indignation, "How did you know? I mean—what makes you think that?"

Taking breaths in between bouts of cackling, the emotionally incapacitated male answered, "If you were serious about murder, you would've shot us after 'You raped my best friend'."

Bristled, the shark slowly lowered his gun. "Dammit, this isn't funny!"

"But you see, it is," Orochimaru interjected sweetly, reentering the conversation. He slyly padded across the room to close and lock his door, savoring Kisame's increasing look of wariness. To heighten the addictive sensation of fear, he crept closer and closer to his clueless prey, pushing him down onto the couch next to Kakuzu, and then straddled the panic-numbed shark.

"Oi, Snake-Face!" snapped the most dominant of the three, annoyed that his date was flirting overtly with another man. Seizing Orochimaru, he flipped the snake off of Kisame, placing them next to each other on the couch. Standing up, he crossed his arms and faced his two new bitches. "I've gone half a year with absolutely no romantic excitement, and from the looks of things, no one's leaving tonight without getting laid, willing or unwilling. So whatever happens, I stay in charge, or I promise you, I will bite off your dick. Understood?"

The controlling man glared at his audience, obviously requiring their answers. Orochimaru's was, of course, an eager nod of pure anticipation and delight, whereas Kisame paled to a pasty sky-blue shade, and licked his dried lips in horrified anxiety. Quelling any further questions from the shark, Kakuzu aimed a no-nonsense finger at the slightly smaller man. "You will be willing, Kisame. As I recall, attempted murder doesn't have to go on your record, but should rape appear on mine, attempted murder will turn up on both of ours. Though I may not have _just _attempted to kill…"

Subdued efficiently, the miserable man nodded in agreement, quickly scooting away from Orochimaru and his incredibly curious hand.

Good gods, Kakuzu couldn't wait to tell Hidan about the results of his dating service.

* * *

**A/N: **So guys… Since I fuzzed up again and published a day late, (HAPPY CRACK THURSDAYS LAWLZ) I figured I may as well bang off the New Year with a hell of a rant. :D I have the feeling that this year's gonna kick ass, guys. Last year was the worse piece of shit ever- _so_ many thoughts of suicide and cutting and other such fun stuff!! Anyhoo, I started off that year with the fam, all around the TV, watching the frigging ball drop. Guess how I pushed off this one? :D Racing with the effing ball to get this story up (I lost, of course) and arguing the fuck out of my dad and brother. I basically drove myself nearly to tears, and then realized that this could be a sign. Ooh, my daddy just yelled at me. 3 This year's going to FUCK, man!! And yes, I mean in the way implied in this story. :D So enough about me!

This is the year of the minority. In twenty days, America gets a fresh start, and so do the gays, lesbians, transvestites, everyone. So I know that we saw no same-sex kissing when the fucker of a ball dropped (I'm a sore loser. D:) but let's hope that in a few years—the less the better—this changes, and we see gays and lesbians kissing right alongside the straight people. But this is the year to come out! And I don't mean telling people who you are- not everyone's ready for that. I mean coming out to yourself, telling yourself- we can do this. I already trust all of you with my life even though I don't know you- old news. So I hope you can trust me. I'll help you in any way possible, because I believe that we can restart and make ourselves matter. We can do this, and I will stand with you all the way. Ending this sappy-ass A/N…

To the New Year, and to the people!

_Viva la lemon!!_


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